"NO!" I yelled, almost losing breath.
Before entering the hospital I began to cry. All I could do was cry that day. On the way to entering the “Special Jersey City Hospital” all I could think to do was run away! But I knew I couldn’t. As fun as the name of the hospital is, the tall building made me overwhelmed and made me feel even worse than I already was. It was like I felt dizzy but I didn’t see the dizziness.
I kept holding on tightly to my mom telling her, “I don't want to go!” Bbut my mom forced me inside by holding on to my hand tightly. It felt like she was about to rip my arm off but I knew all three surgeries would be more agonizing.
All the doctors were there; there was an almost toxic smell in the hospital and I hated it! I felt like throwing up because of the smell and my three surgeries. I had to get so many surgeries because I used to get sick all the time! You guessed it, I had health issues.
The three surgeries are an ear surgery, tonsil removal, and nose. My head started spinning; my hands felt like a pond of water and I was shaking from my knees.
Besides all of my nervousness, I was changing into the patient uniform. It looked like a lightish blue nightgown with some white polka dots. The patient uniform looked disgusting in my opinion. I felt like throwing up again but I held it in, which was not easy to do!
"It's time to go to the operation room!" The doctor said with excitement. If the doctor was in my place she would feel the opposite of excitement.
"No mom I don't want to go! Please try to understand!" I pleaded. I started crying. My eyes started looking like a river stream never stopping! Never ending water. My mom looked at me, noticing my river stream eyes.
"I'm sorry sweetie, you need to get the surgeries otherwise you won't get better," my mom told me. She cried too as if she was the one getting the surgery. But I had a gut feeling that she was sobbing because she looked at me crying.
My mom, the over excited doctor, and I walked down to the operation room. I felt like the whole hospital was quiet; not one single person was talking. Even though I was crying I just felt angry, like my ears had steam coming out of them. I was not angry because of getting so many surgeries, just because I had so many health issues.
My heart was racing and I felt like a timid little rabbit even though we hadn't entered the room yet. I wanted to leave so bad, I wanted hospitals to not exist. But then again hospitals are there to take care of you when you're hurt or very sick.
While we were walking it felt like 20 hours to get to the operation room. My mom took one look at me and I knew that she knew what I was feeling. Seriously, how can a mom do that?
"Don't worry it's not going to be that bad," my mom said. Obviously knowing what I was feeling.
"How do you know that?" I asked. I was just testing her if she actually knows what I was feeling. Still I had fear stuck in my throat and water coming out of my eyes.
"Because I know what you're feeling, I'm your mother," my mom said as if I needed to know that even though I already knew.
"What am I feeling then?" I asked my mom to see if she really actually understood what I was feeling.
"Fear," she answered, "I once felt like that but for me at least try to overcome that fear, okay."
"I'll try," I said with doubt.
"Sorry to interrupt but we're here," the doctor chimed in.
I didn't realize that we were just outside the operation room. I guess I was too distracted, like I was just locked up with fear. My stomach started to feel unwell. Like my intestines were twisting with each other.
We walked into the operation room. Even though it felt like hours and thoughts were running through my mind, I still didn't want to go, but I had to. I forced myself in, trying not to think of the bad things even though that's really hard to do when you are literally in that situation!
The room was dark, thankfully it didn't have that smell, that was the only good thing in the room. There were four surgeons, a bed, and a tray of tools. One of the surgeons was holding a syringe with some kind of liquid mixture in it.
"Come on, hop on the bed," one of the surgeons said.
I stared at the syringe for a few seconds with worry in my eyes.
"Don't worry, this is a medicine which will help you not feel the pain of the surgery."
That made me a little less worried but mostly I was terrified; my legs couldn’t stop shaking. I laid on the surgery bed awaiting my fate.
“NOOOOO! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS PLEASE! SOMEONE---” While I was yelling with all my lung power my mom interrupted me. Droplets of sweat rolled down my face. My whole body felt like I was going to explode from sweat.
"You shouldn’t be worried or afraid. Remember the fear will fear you and sometimes fear gets in your head so now get it out! " My mom yelled louder than I could. She yelled but she said it in a way like she was encouraging me to let all the fear not get into my head.
“I’m not strong enough, mom!” I shouted.
“Fear will think that, you shouldn’t!” my mom said with power.
I started to think, Is fear a person?
The last thing I saw was the surgeon putting the syringe in my arm. After I became conscious again, I could see that I was wearing an oxygen mask and I could feel the bandage on my nose.
I thought in my head, It's OVER BEAT, THAT FEAR! I wanted to jump and dance on the hospital bed but I had just come out of the operation room and plus I felt like my whole body had given up.
I felt weak and at the same time I felt so relieved that the surgery was finally over. My dad decided to take a picture of me and I became frustrated so I decided to throw a huge fit. The doctors finally got me up and set me up to the resting area where there was a vending machine, and two resting beds. My dad tried feeding me this blood red jello but I resisted it. I didn't feel like eating anything since I was so weak!
I tried to get up but I couldn't even move, I was that weak! The doctors told me to rest but I didn't want to because I didn't want to be feeble forever!
The doctors told me that I wouldn't be able to walk or talk properly for a whole month. To me that felt like a whole entire year! The staff had to put me in a wheelchair because I couldn't walk, I felt terrible, like I felt hopeless! I tried to leap out of the chair but that made things worse.
"If you don't sit in the wheelchair you might have to suffer a lack of walking a bit longer," my mom said knowing I was going to fall out of my wheelchair. My mom carried me into the car, she put a blanket on top of me because she saw me shivering like crazy and sneezing.
"I thought I was going to get better, not worse!" I said with rage.
"You are going to get better but most importantly did you learn something?" my mom asked.
"I learned that fear isn't that bad and you can overcome it instead of panicking.”
For a month I had to eat cold foods. If you think about it, it might have seemed fun because of food like ice cream. The worst part about it was getting colds all the time, but the learning part was very valuable.
Fear made me feel discouraged, like running away from all of my problems. But actually I realized that fear is just a moment that will be gone when I overcome it. So I will always remember that fear isn’t that bad!
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